Right now its 11:10pm and I am a bit worried.. Really I am.. For some strange reason, its not about money, or sex, its not about whether or not the dog and cat are going to fight, its not about whether or not I will get that HUGE fish tank that I have always wanted, oh no! Its about my husband, the love of my life, and his thoughts about how to love me.. You see we just had a conversation about how even though he says I love you, his actions need to back up his words, however, he needs to do that by taking care of himself, so that he can take care of me.. When I told him that, he said that he does take care of me, and that he does show me that he loves me, but when I tried to explain to him, that he can't love me without loving himself first, and that he can't take care of me without taking care of himself first, he went right back to the point, of I do take care of you.... So..... Now I'm at a loss... I'm at a crossroads that I know that God is going to help me pick the right path, but its so hard to imagine what the heck the right way is right now..
I need to help Travis realize that he is NOT taking care of me, by walking down the pathway that he is/has been walking down. I mean how is not showering, or working, or doing anything substantial to help with money issues or other things that cause our fights helping or taking care of ANYONE?! It just adds more stress and work to my daily workload. I mean seriously. It does. So with that said, I'm hoping that God will send down a top secret messenger, to give me some sort of secret code or maybe he will send a letter in the mail, something!! Don't get me wrong, I love Travis, even when he is ucky, however, I have been taking care of myself, I have gone to the doctor, and the dentist, I have been exercising, and have been attempting to get my diet under control. (I say attempting because seriously, my diet is a rabid beast with a life of its own, and so its very difficult, however I have been seeing whats good and whats bad, and have been making life changes everyday!) I have been setting things up for us, to be comfortable, and happy, to be organized, and for our apartment to be a mini home, until God presents us with an opportunity to buy our house, where we will be raising our children.. This quest/challenge I fear may just be holding not only our marriage in this rut, but my growth as a woman and wife. The reason that I say this, is that God wants Travis and I to grow together, however, when I am ahead of the game, and he is behind, even though in my head that would mean that we would be right where we belong, it doesn't add up that way in God's Book or in the game we all call Life, instead what happens is that I get dragged back to where Travis is, and is forced to go back through the same tests, that I have already conquered, to walk with Travis through them.. Although this may sound like a practice makes an awesome perfect type system, some things I had left them far far behind me, and are back full force... *sigh*
So with that said, right now I'm at a crossroads, I really am. I have no idea where this marriage or relationship is going, or what to do right now. I fear the worst and am prepared for the worst, however have been hoping for the best, isn't that strange how that can work, within us all there is some sort of thing that tells us that we need to prepare for the worst even though it may never happen to us, or anyone that we know.. How strange...
So, one of the big issues tonight for Travis was that he saw me talking to Chuck.. Now before I continue in my defense, I haven't spoken to Chuck for a while, and only speak to him maybe once and a great while (roughly twice a month, to prevent police action). So to me, its no big deal if I have to walk away from Chuck, cuz seriously, when things here are going as I hope them to be, I don't have the time nor the patience to talk to him about his stupid little problems.. Seriously, I don't... So with that said, Travis demanded that I stop talking to all men in my life, and so I got angry at just having that suggestion made at me. I mean seriously!! WTH!!
Okay, so after all of that, I am thinking about what I should say to Travis if anything, and am going to write down some thoughts in letter format, but am going to work on that tomorrow. I really hope that we will be able to get things going, cuz if not, then we will be stuck in the same rut over and over again, and that isn't good, it isn't good at all.. UGH, is all I have to say about our current marriage situation.. Seriously...
Goodnight for now
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