Hard to Cope...

I am struggling even more the past few days. Struggling to deal with everyday life. Seriously. There has been absolutely no drama here at home, well unless it was caused by me. I'm serious, its like everything upsets me today. I mean everything. Even Travis and I sitting together, and watching TV upsets me. Its like all I want to do is cry. I feel so sad, and unsuccessful in my life.

I mean sure, I am working to lose weight, but why did I have to be so fat and useless to begin with? And yeah, I am working on making my marraige the best that it can be, but why shouldn't it already be the best marriage it can be? Yeah sure I am working on being able to have babies, and be a good step mom, but aren't those things that we are all supposed to do? I mean normal women can bare childrend, crack whores have 6 or 7 kids a piece, yet, I can't even manage to get pregnant with 1!! Just 1 Baby, thats all I'd want... I mean seriously all I want is a happy and normal life, with kids, and a house, and happiness, is that so much to fricken ask?!

Why is it that so many people have a happy life, and they lie, cheat, steal, manipulate, etc to get it, and they live all happy and comfy and have perfectly good families, and huge mansions? Yet here I am an honest woman of God, trying her hardest to make a life for myself, and my husband, and I can't even do the simplest and most normal of things, that women are expected to do. I can't get pregnant, I can't even be a beautiful woman, instead I am this fat perfectionist that can't do or get anything right. I have no real friends, because I am so afraid of people hurting me, that I stay away from everyone. I have nobody that that reaches out to me, or comes to visit me, I have nobody that is all like, hey lets go out sometime. Instead I have people that act like my friend, but don't seem to care whether I exist or not. Its so hard to look at my life, and realize that I am a complete failure no matter what area of my life it is, I have failed in it. Completely and utterly failed. My husband doesn't like to be intimate with me, I can't get pregnant so we can't have a family, I can't keep or even have really strong friendships, I can't seem to keep a job when I get one. I can't seem to cook or clean good enough that my house looks like I want it too. I can't seem to stop wanting to shop or eat, cuz I am so damn miserable all the time.. I really am..

I look at my life, and see nothing that means anything. Even my marriage is crap right now. I feel like I have failed, and some how disappointed half of the world. The weight of my depression is so much, and I don't know that I can survive anymore. I feel as though I just need to throw away everything and just die.. Like I just need to leave the world so it can be a better place without me. I think that the world would probably be a lot better without me...