Later that same night..

Okay. So I'm having a Manic episode since I couldn't get to sleep right away. So now I will sit here all alone all night. *cries* All I wanted was to be a good wife, and he makes me feel so bad. I just wish that for once he would be able to shut off the Xbox and realize that I'm here. That I'm here, to cook, and clean for him, that I have no problem rubbing his feet or giving him a nice back massage. I just truly and utterly wish that he'd wake up and realize that, YES, I am here!

Its hard to sit here, and to be thinking about making him so happy, when everynight as I go to bed, I fall asleep feeling so unwanted, and unloved. Sure he kisses me goodnight, and sometimes I might get him to hold me for a few minutes before he goes back to his game, but other than that, I lay here, night after night, beating myself up over, why I'm not good enough, or important enough to be made a priority. All I want is for us to connect on an emotional level. For him to feel the love, and caring for me that I do towards him. I put him first no matter what the situation. I really do, but am made later on to feel like I'm the last thing that matters. He plays with the dog more than he spends time with me. Seriously. He pays attention to her, but for me to get 15 minutes of his time, is like one of those ultimately forbidden things...

*sigh* So here I am at midnight trying to figure out how to make a meal plan for us, so that I can have a shopping list ready of healthy foods, for us to buy. But I ask you, whats the point? Truly and utterly, whats the point? I feel like giving up on our relationship so much, but know that I can't. I have to keep fighting for the 1 person who loves me so much to say I'm never going to leave you. I just wish that he could see, and realized how much he hurts me on a daily basis. Another hurtful thing he does, is pretend like I ask so much of him. I ask him to do 2 maybe 3 things a day, to help me out around here, and I'm lucky if I get 1 thing from him, instead he would rather go do other things, and pretend like the housework isn't his responsibility! That upsets me so much... Really it does...

I always had dreams and visions of us having a big family, and us being one of those awesome families that have everything balanced, and that look perfect from the outside.. But it seems that we will never have that, not even as a dream anymore, because I can't get the attention needed to even get pregnant... I hope that one day all of this changes.. If not then I might end up, like my mother in the end..... Which I would have to pray that God take me outta this world then.. Cuz to me its not worth living like that...