Okay, so its hard to think that this is already my second week of Weight Watchers, and I have to say that its going pretty good. I have already lost 2 lbs!! Which is a small victory, but is a victory none the less! So Hooray for that small victory, even though I was eating out still last week, and had no idea, what I was doing, but seem to be getting this down, my only downfall is forgetting to use my food journal, so tomorrow, I am going to start dedicating some of my time, to write down what I'm eating, and how much of it that I'm eating, to help the weight loss process along!!
I am also hoping to be able to get the house clean, and sorted out, so that I can setup a steady exercise schedule. Tomorrow is my day to exercise, and I plan on doing it, so I hope that my legs are okay to do it tomorrow. If not, then I will focus on the strength training exercises from the Biggest Loser: JS program. I'm also hoping to look for and find a cheap movie or exercises for my Aerobic Step!! Cuz that burns a lot of calories, and will help me learn to live a much healthier lifestyle.
I've started going to therapy again with Craig, and its been hard. The first time, was okay, but then the second time, it was so hard, cuz in my heart I want to get better. I know that God chose Craig, to help me heal, just like He chose Nita to help me heal. So I know that God needs and wants me to heal, so I need to heal to please God, and to help myself.
I am really and truly concerned, about whats going to happen right now. I am so afraid that I am messing up my life again some how. I am so concerned that Travis doesn't find me attractive or doesn't really love me, even though I can look in his eyes and see that he does love me.
I hurt so bad inside about all the things that have happened to me, in my life, from my childhood abuse to the abuse that I suffered at the hands of Travis. I know that deep down Travis is an awesome guy, and will eventually be transformed by Gods love, and His call to do as God wants, but until then I can see us struggling to be a normal happily married couple.
I hurt so much from what Steven did to me when I was a child. I was only 5 when the abuse started. I can remember the first time, that the abuse started, and it haunts me to this very day. It hurts me so much to know that nobody protected me, or even tried to protect me. It hurts me so much to know that my own parents, did nothing to stop or protect me from my various abusers. Although why would they? They themselves were my abusers as well, my mom does it still to this day. My dad did it until I moved away from him and refused to allow him to continue his abuse. My own brother didn't protect me, as he was also abused as a child (about 6 months after my abuse started). However, my parents stopped his abuse almost immediately, and took action against his abuser. My brother became one of my abusers as well, its strange, to know that the people that were supposed to be there to protect and love me, to teach me, and to guide me, to show me compassion and forgiveness, to teach me about God, and how to live my life as he'd want me too, instead chose to do nothing but abuse and neglect me, and to focus on there own selfish needs.
Our parents early on in my life were a happily married couple, when I was about 16 my mother stopped coming home, instead she was going out to gay bars with my Aunt and her girlfriends, and refused to even speak with us on the telephone. When I was 18 she finally got a divorce from my dad.
During that time, my dad would sit there, and speak about how my mom refused to have sex with him, would make obscene jokes, and talk about Porn. Its strange that now, I see how abusive my dad really was. I miss him, I really do, don't get me wrong, I love my dad, but for some reason, he just couldn't return my love. For some reason my brother and I weren't important enough for either of us to feel the love or enjoyment of having a family, of having someone there, for us, as we learned the wrong things to correct us, instead we were taught the wrong things, the wrong way to live, and the wrong way to survive. My dad died of Cancer.. It breaks my heart, that he left us so early on, I wanted to one day at least make him proud, at least let him know that I am a success, and have straightened out my life, I wanted to show him that I have changed and that things were getting better... I just wanted him to know, that no matter what he did to me, or didn't do for me, I still loved him, cuz he was my dad, and I was and will always be his little girl. I do hope that he died knowing how much I loved and cared for him, even though I know that he could never return my love, in the right way.. When I was 19 he started trying to kill himself, he was convinced that life was never going to get any better, instead of being there for my brother, I was left to tend to him, which is when my story gets a bit complicated, and full of lifes really bad choices... (I will fill in the blanks in a post later on, maybe tomorrow, if I'm feeling up to it.)
My mom, has never been there for me. Never. I can't ever remember her holding me, or comforting me, I can never remember her teaching me to do girl things, or her even caring about my thoughts or feelings, It was always about her, and her needs. She eventually broke my dads will, and he allowed her to do and say whatever she wanted. I was 15 when she hit me for the first time, although it was the last, I remember it fully, and even lied to protect her!! Sometimes I wish that I had told my teachers the truth, then maybe my brother and I would have had a different childhood... Maybe... My mother used her words to destroy us, all 3 of us, my dad, my brother and me. We were never good enough, nothing we ever did was good enough for her. When ever she would come home, she would tell us and make it perfectly clear how disappointed, and how worthless we were, then would throw things, call us names, or just leave. Eventually she stopped coming home. Which hurt me even more, I was made fun of at school for not knowing about shaving my legs or how to be a girl. It was so hurtful for me, because I think my brother and dad took it worse than I did even though they would never admit to it.
Everyday I carry all of this pain, and hurt, everyday I am so angry because I don't understand, why oh why couldn't I have a normal childhood? Why couldn't someone have loved me enough to protect or care for us? Why couldn't God have stepped in, and given us a way out of our terrible lives into something better or more protected? Why must I carry this burden, of lies, and hurt everyday of my life? Even now as I cry, I can't even let all the pain out, for most of the pain by this time has converted itself into a dangerous amount of anger and distrust. Even now I can't seem to trust the people that can and will really help me, that really and truly seem to care about me, and what happens. The people that try to help me protect myself from anymore harm. As I sit here, and grieve about this, I can't help but wonder why? Why on earth didn't someone step in and stop the pain and destruction?
I wish I had a normal happy childhood, full of good memories, laughs, and pictures, I wish I could say that I was a normal well adjusted adult with career goals, and perfectly balanced marriage, but instead all I have is all this mess, and distrust... I do hope that one day I am able to find a way to make it so I can trust those who deserve it, and to balance out my marriage... I really do hope so... Truly I do..
"Heavenly Father, I know that things happen for a reason. Although there are many things that have happened to me, I know that you weren't behind them all, instead Satan was trying to destroy me before I could come to You, and know of my purpose here in life. Father, I know that one day I will be used to bring glory to YOUR name, I know that Father, You love me, more than anyone else ever could. Father I come to you, grieving the childhood that I lost, and carrying this huge burden of guilt, shame, and pain, Father I beg you to please take these things away, Please Father, I know that only you can avenge the things that have been done to me, I know that only YOU can fix the things that all those people so willingly broken, so Father I beg you please, help me heal, please help me, recover and grieve these things, as You would want me too. Father I ask that you please allow us to walk and live our lives as You would want us too, for Father You are the only one in my life that has never let me down, You have always loved and protected me, even when I denied that you were even with me. Father I love you, and I hope that one day I get to sit with You and give YOU a huge hug... Father I love you, and ask these things In Jesus Name.. Amen"
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