Okay, so today I thought that my day was going to go like this: Get up, make breakfast, go to church, come home have lunch, make dinner, and go to bed. Pretty simple day huh? Well apparently someone else had a different idea of what should go on today..... I had a huge revelation today, that is almost, well not almost, but is definately and hugely life changing, and very HUGE to me... Let me explain....
Okay, so when I was younger (19 to about 23) I was this sexually explosive kind of person. Let me explain what I mean here, I couldn't have any type of relationship that didn't revolve around sex, my first boyfriend and I had to instantly have sex. I had sex with girlfriends (that were supposed to be just friends), I had sex with random people off of the street, sex ruled everything that I did. I had decided that if people where going to treat me bad, I was going to drink as much as I could to get rid of the delusion of happiness and just be happy all the time. I walked around (yes in public) in nothing but short shorts and a sports bra on. (I know that for most of society thats okay, but for me, as a child of God, that is NOT okay.) I would do whatever I wanted and not care about anyone elses thoughts or feelings. I was very self centered, and as I said Sexually Explosive. I call it explosive, because it was like if I didn't get what I wanted (sexually or not) I would explode. I would get what I wanted no matter what I had to do to get it... NO matter what...
So then just a year and a half ago, I was this angry pissed off person, much of the same, however something inside of me demanded that I look for something else, I was convinced in my heart/soul that something out there could take my pain away, that something or someone was out there just waiting for me. So I started looking, and that is when I found a family waiting for me @ Valleybrook... They started to help me heal, and get better...
So now here I am years after it all started, years after I have demanded that my life change, and I'm sitting in the exact same place that I was, only things for me have changed... Right? Well since then, I have gotten married and thought that I had destroyed, anything sexually corrupt in my life/heart/soul/mind. But today, I was proven wrong. Today, I fear is the day that I have to admit that all this time I have been lying to myself. I am not better, or at least not as better as I thought I was. Today proves that God is still working on me, and that I am causing myself more harm, and hardships than God would ever intend for this process to cause.
You see, I have a lot of issues (who doesn't now a days huh?!) but most of my issues stem from all the abuse that I have suffered, and caused. Thats right caused. However, today was proof that I have been sexually taunted, and teased by the devil himself (better what out Mr. Satan, I know a man named Mr. God who can kick your ass!!) for some reason he has found it completely necessary to have triggered some sort of thought process that went like this:
"My husband doesn't seem to enjoy sex anymore." "I've got to find a way for him to get interested again." ..... "Oh!! He was so happy when we were watching porn and stuff, so thats got to be it... I've got to start watching porn again to make my husband happy and to get him interested in me again."
Okay Okay so I know, this was a fools thought process. But in my mind, and heart at the time, I was like why not? Whats the harm in this? Just 1 or 2 of those cartoon movies, and Travis should be back in the game right?..... Wrong.. It blew up in my face, dramatically, Travis didn't want to even watch the darn things, but as I sat here staring at the screen, I got hooked all over again, and thats when it happened... He was demanding that I get ready and go to church, and I refused, and when he left, I felt this shame, and suddenly had this acknowledgment in my mind about what I have done... About why I am living here again... God brought me here as a test, you see now I'm far away from where I'm protected and guided to go the right way. So now the devil is going to try as hard as he can to influence me, and I have to admit it, he won this fight, He really has. He has caused one hell of a mess in my marriage, and has caused me to not only sin against God, but I refused to go worship my heavenly Father!! So I have to admit now, that I know that I was wrong..
So here is the big HOLY COW moment, are you ready? Are you sure, maybe you should sit down.. I'll wait.....
Okay so the big Holy Cow moment is that, Travis and I are both wired the same okay. With us both being children of God, and both of us being abused, we shouldn't be doing what we have been doing, with me trying to control everything, going at 100,000 miles an hour everyday, while Travis tries to catch up. Travis is my husband, and if I would have listened to him, I wouldn't have made such a terrible mistake. I wouldn't have, we would have been fine. So with that said, another really big thing, is that I believe that this is Gods way of showing me that (hold your breath this is pretty big for me) I am not always right. Thats it I said it... (You can breath now). I am not always right!!! Really I'm not!! I am such a little baby. I really am, I am just a child who pretends to know it all (Like those annoying teenagers we all hate... ) So with that said, I have decided that from now on, I am going to not only ask the counsel of my husband, but I will continue to be constantly praying and asking God for advice, leadership, to change my heart, and to give me the knowledge that I need to not only get through things, but to conquer (CONQUER I said) the things that Satan is trying to torment me with...
So with all that said, I will be not only going to Wounded Heart a 3rd time, but I will be working hard on my therapy, (I have a feeling Satan is trying to screw with that too), and I will be setting up meetings and stuff with every person that I know, is into God, and and that can give me advice on what Satan is trying to do to me now.. Although I do believe honestly that this was a test from God, I know that Satan had his hands in the cookie jar as well, and with that said, I have decided that no longer with I measure my marriage by the amount of sex, but instead I will measure my marriage by the amount of love and care that I receive in this marriage. For some reason, I was convinced that you couldn't have a happy marriage without constantly having sex, for some reason I was convinced that in order for Travis and I to get along, and to be married I had to be in charge of everything! (Yes here comes another big thing, so I hope you kept holding your breath) So with that said I have come to the conclusion that God has brought us here, so that I can learn that I need to let go. I need to climb up to the cliff (which I'm already here) and walk up the cliff and trust that God and Travis, and all of our friends to take care of, and help us during hard times..
So with all of that said, this is my plan. I am going to focus for the first time ever in Hope History.. I am going to focus on myself.. Not on the bills, ordering things, telling Travis what to do, I am not going to focus on anything, except on things that will dramatically cause conflict. Like, the house being clean, that upsets me, a lot, so I will set 1 or 2 days a week and clean up/pick up.. I am going to force myself to hand over 90% of all the responsibilities to Travis... Yes, its true that on the first of the month I will write a check out for rent, etc. But after all the bills are paid, no more of this constantly focusing on how much money we have, and how I can spend it.. No more...
Well... I thought I was going to cry more, but I guess I have already grieved all that I need to grieve over this.. Now what I've got to do, is just put it in action, so right now, I'm going to stop typing, and I'm going to talk to Travis, then when I'm done with Travis, I'm going to pray, I'm sorry but I won't be posting my prayer on the blog tonight... I will resume my normal blogging tomorrow...
So Until Tomorrow Night.. Goodbye...
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