Here I am, finally all alone, although I'm here at the Acoustic Cafe, I'm still sitting at a table all by myself. Finally!! Hooray!!! I'm so happy to be alone, so that I can actually think about these things.. So here goes nothing..
So about 3 days ago, well nights ago I should say, Travis and I were going to have sex, we both wanted it, and Travis was being overly sweet to me, I mean it would have been the most romantic and passionate sex that we would have ever had, however, I panicked, and couldn't allow him to touch me. I wanted it, so much, but I couldn't allow myself to have it. I just couldn't. So we prayed together, and I started to cry, cuz thats when I realized, even though I really want, and crave true and ultimate intimacy with Travis and my friends, I couldn't and wouldn't allow myself to go there.. Why? Well when I was younger and I had a really close intimate relationship with someone, I got hurt. Seriously hurt in some situations. So now, I'm so terrified of it, that even when God sets it up that I could be safe, and intimate in a relationship I can't allow it to happen. I'm hoping that by presenting this idea, to my friends, and working on it through Wounded Heart, that maybe just maybe I can defeat this... But then.... There is the marriage counseling. Grant gave Travis and I some really good ideas, and thoughts about what we should do to fix our marriage, and I'm all for it, even now that I'm torn between trying and getting divorced Grants words echo in my head, and my heart is telling me the same thing over and over again.. God wanted you to get married to Travis.. Travis is your soul mate, he is who God made for you... So with that said, and with those thoughts, I stay and continue along our path. Although I'm overly upset right now, I find some relief in knowing that I'm going to be able to be with Nita, and my new group tonight, and that I could bring it up to her, and that I can email and reach out to Grant at anytime... So I know that God has brought us to Valleybrook because He loves us, because Valleybrook will show us and teach us how to see the truth.. The ultimate and crippling truth.. Now I know the truth is supposed to set you free, but from my experience I have learned that it cripples you before it sets you free, because when you finally learn the truth you are suddenly frozen even if just for a day, to really think about it, and it really effects you. It really makes you go "REALLY?" which is a big part of growth and healing... Or so I believe... I'm also really hoping to use my time with Craig to work on things with Travis as well... I'm serious.. I mean I would love to do that... To continue to work on our marriage until we are literally a perfect and well balanced couple...
So, this intimacy thing has effected my relationship with someone more important than anyone here on earth.. God... My heavenly Father is suffering because I'm so scared to let someone be completely intimate with me.. *sigh* So I've fallen away from my heavenly Father, and His truth... I desperately want to reignite that relationship and create it so that its so perfect and intimate that I know what He is thinking towards me before I even pray.. So with that said, I'm going to demand time everyday to be with my Father... He is the one that created me, and He is the one that loves me more than anyone on earth. He is the one that continues to bless me, and to encourage me to be healthy, and happy... My Father is the only one that I need in the end.. I'm really hoping that by reigniting this relationship, that I will be able to work through this problem with Intimacy, and yet, be set free from this world of worries... This world, really sucks, and is hard enough without being with my Heavenly Father.. This I know..
" Father, I want to apologize for falling away from you, I am so afraid of being intimate and being dependant on people, I should be ashamed of myself for trying to run from You. Father I know now, that only YOu can set me free, and only YOU can help me through this, I know that each and everyday I should give YOU my life, and I just need to settle where You have placed us, and work on the things that I need to work on to be part of an awesome relationship with the only 2 men that matter to me, You and Travis.. Father, please guide me, and help me to rekindle our relationship and the passion that I had for You and your words... Father please, help me... I love you Father.. In the name of the Father, Son and Holy Spirit, Amen."
Okay so before I go any further, I wanna use this part of my post to talk about Cindy.. Well to really vent about her, as her lifestyle and life choices are really making me annoyed, and frustrated. Seriously. I am more annoyed with her than I am with my marriage.. Seriously. I just want her to grow up, and realize that there is more to life than Farmville and Drama... Okay, so this is what I'm talking about: She only wants to eat fried, foods, or unhealthy ones. Her excuses for not eating Watermelon, and fruits are that they make her pee?! What the hell? Seriously?! She claims to be lactose and tolerant, however I have seen her order milkshakes, and things like that and be perfectly fine. So I'm seriously doubting that she is lactose and tolerant.. She shys away from exercise, and would rather instead eat French Fries, and other unhealthy things. She tends to try to push Travis and I into eating out, cuz she isn't doing anything to help us out.
Cindy falls for every trick in the book, and doesn't do anything responsible unless forced to do so. I am refusing to allow her to use me or Travis as an excuse to do things the way that they aren't supposed to be done.. I'm serious. Its like are you fricken serious? You wanna sit there, and do nothing, but watch Dog the Bounty Hunter, and play Farmville? How is that decent? How is that going to make you better? I am so annoyed with Cindy on a daily basis, that it makes me give up before I even start to do the things that I need to do. So with that said, here is my daily plan.. DAILY PLAN... LOL, I just thought I'd emphasize that before I went on with it....
Okay, so starting tonight, I'm going to be in bed, and take my sleeping pill around 11pm. Everynight. So then I will be aiming to get up around 7 am. I will make breakfast, and start cleaning the house. At around 10am, everyday, I will exercise, whether that be at the gym or by doing a Biggest Loser DVD... Then at around noon I will make lunch, and will continue to clean the house. At around 3:00 I will do paperwork, and other things of that nature.. @ 5 or 6 we will have dinner made and will eat. Then from 6 to 8 I will do my emailing, facebooking, etc... @ 8 I will have my God time.. From 8 to 9:30, I will read my bible, pray, and think about Gods word, and what he is saying to me. I will blog/Journal, and will enjoy my time with my Heavenly Father.. Then at 9:30 to 11:00 I will take a shower, Read, Watch TV, relax, and make sure to head to bed around 10:30, then take my sleeping pill, and go to sleep.. Thats what I want my day to look like, now on days like Tuesdays, and Thursdays, I will have to setup a much better and moveable schedule... I will work on that on Saturday.. Saturdays, will be Gardening Days, I am going to plan on a Garden, and make a list of what I need to prepare for this Spring/Growing season!! Including a portable Green House, for on the Patio in front of the house... *smiles* I just can't wait... I really can't wait.. Its going to be fantastic this spring..
Okay, so time to talk about the distrust.. I think that I force myself to distrust more than I actually do.. I think now thinking about it, that I might just be a bit overly dramatic about how things really are in our marriage, at least when it comes to the trust issues that we may or may not have... I mean yeah, I have doubts about whether or not I can trust him with Nikki, or Jocelyn alone.. But I mean I know deep down inside that he wouldn't hurt me.. I think and hope that at least he wouldn't wanna sleep around... I do however, have a hard time trusting him with women, cuz it seems like he spends more time talking to his girls via text than to me.. I have to say that without a doubt it makes me wonder why it is that I can't seem to sit down, and have a good time with him, I mean with just him and I. Why can't we just sit down, and relax together, without someone else being involved, what I mean by that is his cell phone going off, and stuff like that. I mean I wish that our communication were a little bit better... I think that once I get rid of all of my fears, and seriously work on our marriage, and on what God wants us to work on, I think that all of this distrust will really be shown as insecurity.. I mean OMG... Did I just say that.. Insecurity... THATS IT!! I HAVE INSECURITIES!!! I'm an insecure woman!!! Praise God!!! Praise you wonderful and awesome God!! PRAISE GOD!! HE ALWAYS SHOWS US THE TRUTH!! PRAISE GOD!!! GOD THANK YOU!! SWEET AND FORGIVING FATHER, THANK YOU FOR THIS TRUTH!!!
Okay, so I've just had a huge realization thanks to God.. I am really insecure.. Just like Travis is insecure.. Sure he trusts me but he is so insecure about Chuck that it makes his insecurities worse!! WOW!!! Okay, so insecurities we can work on, I'm not entirely sure at this point how we can work on those, but I know for a fact that we can work on that huge subject together, and not have to worry about it for long.. I'm so excited!! Whooooo!!!
So with that all out.. I wonder what else will come to me.. I have to be careful though I should admit right now, that I've had a whole bottle of Root Beer already today.. And right when I said that Eric drove by with his ucky girlfriend in their terrible looking Truck.. Strange how now, I want to destroy him.. I really do.. I want to just take Eric out and beat him until he cries, and screams out in pain like I did... I know that those are evil thoughts, but they come to me whenever I see him, and It feels so good to think of those things.. I guess I'm wanting to get revenge against him.. Isn't that strange... How I'd love to get revenge even though it says in the Bible that God will serve revenge... Hmmmm... Father, help me... Please Please Help me...
Okay so anyway, back to the thoughts at hand.. I'm insecure... I am.. I'm so insecure that I allow it to poison our marriage.. Travis is insecure, so insecure that he allows it to poison our marriage.. OMG!! So I know now that I need to work on my insecurities... WOW... I'm so excited about this discovery!! Wow!! I'm so happy about this.. HOORAY..
Well I'm going to go for now, and talk to Travis....
Goodbye for now...
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