Well today is the day that I give up. My whole life, has been a lie.. Seriously.. My whole life, I have been trying to convince myself that one day I will be a mom. Ya know one of those moms, who bakes cookies, and takes her kids on all the awesome trips on the weekends? One of those moms who understands, but still makes rules, and punishes when the rules are broken.. One of those awesome moms.. But today, while having my step-daughter over here, looking at her I realized..... Its never going to happen. Instead of losing weight, I have been gaining weight, and with that said, there will never be a baby for me. I will never have a child in my arms thats mine. God will never bless me with a child, no matter how much I cry and beg for it, no matter how healthy I get, no matter how hard I work everyday that I'm alive, it'll never happen...
So when I tried to talk to Travis about it, he went on one of his usual rants of "I might not be able to have any kids" crap.. Who cares?! It hasn't been his dream all his life, I mean he has got Gabby.. Hes already got a daughter, a child of his own, that will love him no matter what he does,etc. Instead I will be stuck and tortured in a marriage, to a man that although I love him, I can't trust him or depend on him to take care of anything that doesn't immediately benefit him. I don't understand why God chose this as my life, why when he decided to write my story he wrote that although I will always crave a child, I will never have one...
So now I have to decide whether I want to even attempt to lose weight, or just continue to be fat, and live my life with good food, and a lot of my own created hell. I just can't believe that I have failed at everything in my life, and that includes one of the easiest things in the world.. I can't get pregnant, my husband doesn't want to touch me, or sleep with me, my mom hates me, its like the entire world is against me. I do wonder deep down inside, when will my husband really find me irresistable? When will my husband understand that I have so much pain and grief inside? When will he understand that he needs to prove himself to me.... With each and everyday, he should be working hard to provide for, and take care of us... Instead, I will be looking for work... Instead I will be taking on the entire responsibility... As always...
I also wonder when things will finally show, any evidence of getting better...
I hope that one day I wake up, and my life will be what I always dreamed it would be... Seriously... If not, then I don't know that I could continue to even get outta bed..
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