No Energy...

Well today, I woke up, just to go back to bed. Travis is having some heart issues, and that concerns me. However, I'm so annoyed today, because it seems as though every Friday there is some excuse as to why he can't pick up Gabby, and spend sometime with her, something happens every single Friday.. Its so annoying what he is doing with this visitation thing, we fought and fought for visitation, and for what? For him to do it whenever the hell he feels like it?! SERIOUSLY?!

Then I'm not feeling good this morning, I mean I am like me, but I woke up annoyed, and angry.. I'm instantly frustrated at everything and anything, I do think its because the house is still a mess, and since Travis doesn't feel good, I won't have any help today, so in my mind its, what the hell is the point? I have my interview on Tuesday for Kmart, and I'm a little bit excited, but its like whats the point? Things at this point are very much in the air.. It really is... I mean in my mind, its like now I"m 300 lbs, and probably have no chance of losing any weight, without getting professional help, maybe even without a surgery.. I don't want to do surgery, but its like what other options do I have? Nobody here will help me or support me on my weightloss goals, not even Nita.. Its like I will tell her what I"m doing, and what I need for support, but its like, "eh.. Who cares? Hope can deal with it alone."

Honestly, I'm so scared, and concerned about everything going on. Not just personally, but around the world. I mean we've got huge Earthquakes, and Tsunami's we've got disasters happening more and more with each passing day, and yet nobody seems to understand that the end of us as a people is coming. Soon Jesus will come, and those of us, who didn't seem to pass the tests, are going to end up staying, and meeting Satan, and his wonderful family. Doesn't that sound like a nice way to live and survive? I'm sure it does for a lot of people, but for me its terrifying.. Seriously terrifying... I'm so into this mindset of why even bother? I mean will I ever have a chance to even get pregnant, and have a baby? Or will I get healthy soon enough to just be attacked and killed during the fight to defend Jesus? Its so hurtful to think that maybe Jesus came already, and maybe Travis and I didn't make the cut, or to think that we might be stuck here, until things get extremely bad, and then MAYBE go with Jesus.. I'm so concerned about everything that is going on. I feel so attacked in every direction. Its like everyone is screaming at me "Be exactly like us or go to hell, or Act and Be heartless like us, and forget about your dreams, or your heart, cuz everything about you is wrong." Even someone I respected a lot, threw the fact that we don't have children in our faces, during our marriage mentoring!! Seriously?! I guess its just a hard fact that I am going to have to accept, I don't have and will probably never have children. It must be so easy to sit in your chair, and to look at other peoples lives, and just make them feel so badly about themselves that they finally give in, and do whatever you want them too..Talk about manipulation..

At this point, its like why even bother? Why should I work so hard, just to accomplish nothing? Why should Travis or I even bother to heal, and to move forward when we know that the end is coming.. It might be tomorrow, so why waste today, worrying about diet, and exercise? UGH.. I have so many doubts, and hurts in my heart right now, its almost impossible to work through them. Really it is.. Just for one day, one whole day before I die, I'd like to just have a real conversation with God, so many people say that they can hear Him, and I thought that I could too, but just realized that, I can't. I really can't. So how do I know that God even sees me? Or that I'm on His list in that book of life? I'm so scared, and am wondering exactly how to proceed.. Its like... WHAT NOW?!

Nita says that I'm extreme Hope. But what she doesn't realize, is thats how I am. Thats how I have always been, thats deep inside of me, and nothing but meds changes that. Seriously, I mean I have no medium there is no, well its almost, so thats good enough mindset, its either yes or no. In my mind there is no maybes. There are no maybes in life. Seriously, there aren't, well at least not in my mind. So thats how that goes. I look at what she says to me, and for a while, it seemed like the truth, but now, I wonder, how do I know? How do I really really know? I have read most of the New Testament and a lot of what she says isn't in there, so how do I know thats what God wants her to say to us? Hmmmmmm... Very Very difficult to figure that out isn't it?

Well, I think that for a while, I am just going to keep my distance from Nita, and only expose myself to her, as much as absolutely needed. With that said, I'm trying to determine whether or not we should continue to have our Marriage mentoring with her and Ted. I mean don't get me wrong, Ted has always been nice to us, and seems like an awesome guy, but its like Nita, really hurt my feelings, and cut me deep inside.. She doesn't seem to realize that the Baby thing, is my weak spot, and destroys me everytime I think about it.. Really it does...

Well I'm going to go now, as I've started to cry.. I need to just be here today.. Fully...