Okay, so yesterday I went to marriage counseling, and Mary Jo, didn't make it sound good at all. She is wanting me to get a divorce along with everyone else.. *sigh* However, I just can't walk away from Travis, he is my husband, and he makes me happy.. I love him more than anything in this world, so how can I just let him go, and move on like that? We haven't even been married for a year!! WOW!! So with that said, I came up with a plan, that I think is going to shoot me in the foot.. Well thats what my fear is anyway.. So my plan was for him to stay with his parents until the end of June, so that we could both, focus on our lives, and decide what we were going to do, with them, etc.. So I called Travis, and his mom had him call me back, and we talked about it, well I talked about it, he didn't really say anything about it.. He was very quiet, and I think that I may have unintentionally hurt him.. I hope that I didn't, but I suspect that I might have.. So with that said, I'm sitting here worrying now, if he'll come home at the end of June.. I really am worried about it..
My hope with this plan, was that I'd be able to get into the routine of having a ride to and from work, and I'd be able to get my schooling started, etc.. And then Travis could come home, and he wouldn't have to worry about me getting to and from work, he wouldn't have to worry about what I'm doing, instead he could worry about himself ya know? He could find a job, and then work it, or start his technical college stuff here at the Technical College.. However, he hasn't registered or anything yet, so its a bit annoying, to think that he might just stay there in Rolla, and go to school there or something.. UGH!! I know that he has a cell phone, but he hasn't given me the number yet.. There are just so much uncertainty.. So much wondering that ends up going through my head, I do wonder however, if that isn't just my mind running away, with some of my fears, and causing them to freak me out.. So I am freaking myself out at this point.. UGH!!
Well yesterday, I found out that I might have allergies, and started my college application process.. So thats a good thing, today I am going back to work.. The first time in a week or so.. Am I nervous, eh.. Its not a hard job, and I know what I'm doing for the most part, what I'm concerned about is changing my availability, and asking for a permanet schedule and stuff from Mary.. I just hope that she is able to come up with something, cuz I want to setup a routine around here, so that Nutmeg and I can properly do what we need to do.. Also, it'll help with my checks, cuz I will know how much I'm getting each and every payday, which will help with paying my fine, and paying off the car, and getting rid of some of our bills.. Or rather, my bills..
Its so hard to wake up and go to bed without Travis.. I mean yeah, he wouldn't sleep with me, but at least he'd lay with me, and he'd talk to me, and sometimes he'd even sing with me...Which really made a difference, and now here I am all alone.. All the time.. Its really quiet here, and peaceful, I can work on things here and there, and get things done without having to worry about what Travis is doing or anything.. Which I have to admit, is really nice... However, I do miss him.. I really do, and some days its a horrible feeling to think that Travis may never come back.. Cuz frankly I love him too much to allow that to happen.. Well so I thought..
So I thought that this plan was going to make our relationship better, and stronger, but I think that this may have been the wrong decision, all I can do now, is pray that he'll miss me, and that he'll want to be with me, as he did before.. Cuz if he doesn't have that then we have no marriage.. Seriously.. I feel so down, but hopeful all at the same time.. I have to say that my bed is some what comfy, and its so hard to get up in the mornings.. I want to set my time clock to get up early and go to bed early, that way I can get more things done around work and schooling and stuff.. Ya know?
I have to say that no matter what my mind is saying, In my heart I am very hopeful.. I really am.. I mean I have day dreams of us being a successful couple, and of us, both having really good jobs, and stuff like that. I have day dreams of our triples and twins being born.. I have day dreams of all kinds of really good things, but its like I asked God last night, are those just dreams? Is it wrong for me to think of such things? Am I living in a completely different world right now? Its really frustrating, and scary to imagine my life without Travis, but if thats what I have to do, to make things work, then thats what I'm going to do, I guess, I have no other choice, do I? I guess I will have to remain wondering, since there is no magical cure, or process to make this all work out.. I am just afraid that I'm going to lose him, that he'll find someone else, and won't want me anymore..
I hope that this is all part of God's plan, so that He can work His magic, and save our marriage.. It would be such a miracle, if we would be able to be together for that 5 year anniversary.. It really would be.. Cuz honestly, I love him..
Its really hard to think about all that I've accomplished.. I am starting college, I have a part-time job, that I like.. I am preparing to lose weight, and to be healthier, I'm preparing for a much better life, I'm preparing to pay off my fines, and to get us caught up on all of our bills.. I'm completely set to get this accomplished.. Not because I have too, but because I seriously and genuinely want too... I really do.. I want to succeed, no matter what.. With or without Travis, but I want it more when I know that I have Travis.. He is my motivator, as the man that I love, he is the greatest motivation that anyone could ever give to me!!
Well I guess I'm going to go for now.. I seem so empty, and yet so ooberly relaxed.. I am thinking about quitting my job at Kmart, since its not giving me as much money as I'd like, yet, I was sick, so I'm going to give it 2 more months.. Once I get my 2 months in, if I'm not making at least 400.00 a month then I'm going to drop it.. In all seriousness, I could find a much better job!! Especially since I'm going to be going to college!! Ooh, I am going to keep this job through college, and then find something else, when I'm either done, or am supposed to get an apprenticeship!! HEHEHE!!!
Well Bye for now... I will probably blog more... Later on....
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