Well before I get started re-typing this awesome entry that I had worked an hour or more on.. I'd like to point out that, it was deleted the first time, and I was unable to recover what I wanted to post.. So this time, I'm going to save the draft every 20 minutes or so.. However, I hope that this time it won't take so long to re-open myself up, and to re type everything that I had wanted to say in this post...
Okay, so God has changed me. He really has, He has given me more patience and more acceptance.. He has given me chance upon chance to prove that I am willing to change, and that I am indeed capable of changing my life, and turning into a Christian Woman.. However, it seems as though I am clinging onto a part of my old life, that still causes me conflict and confusion..
For example: Chuck and Jack.. Okay, so I'm close friends with Jack. I really am. However, its all based on lies, and manipulations.. They know nothing about me, thats the truth.. Nothing at all.. I've told them lies about me being abused, heck I even created fake Screen names, and Id's and pretended to be these people, to persuade them that what I was telling them was real.. I do believe that they believe that most of it, was real.. Even though none of it was real. I have done nothing but lied, and tricked them. They believe that I was abused by some woman named Stephanie. They also believe that I have given birth to 2 children, one that was adopted out, and the other who lives with Travis' Mom in Missouri. They also believe that I died of cancer, and yet, was found months later on, in a coma ward, with no memory what so ever of anyone or anything. They also believe that I won the lottery, and own a cabin in Iowa.. Trust me, they have believed a lot, that I have told them.. But how much of it was true? I mean other than my name, and where I was from? .001% of it was true.. I mean seriously, am I proud of myself for the lies, to be honest, I used to be. I used to think of it as some sort of game. Ya know, how long would they believe all this crap? However, now I'm seeing it, as a madness.. As a sickness, from the "other side". I have no reason to continue to talk to these people, and allow them to think all of these things, that aren't true. Should I tell them, that I have been lying? Yes.. I should. I should confess, and tell them the complete and utter truth about my circumstances and what has been going on this entire time. When I do, I know that neither of them will ever speak to me again.. They will probably be angry, and will probably never forgive me, however, that is their choice. I however need to repent for my sin, to prove to God that I am serious about continuing my change.. So starting this week, I am going to prepare an email explaining everything, and how sick I once was.. I hope that I don't hurt them anymore than I already have.. Hoepfully this will be able to set us all free.. Hopefully... :-s
So while thinking about the changes that God has made in me. He has taught me, about waiting.. Right now, I'm waiting for that prefect life, with that perfect marriage.. I know that one day it'll come.. I really do. However, when it'll be here I'm not entirely sure. I have noticed that a lot of the problems in our marriage is caused by me. I am unwilling to change or negotiate, or to take time out of my day, to purposely do things with Travis.. So I am going to make a list of things that I can do with Travis, that will help us create more of an intimate bond..
1. Play Xbox or Playstation together
2. Play Board Games
3. Take a Walk together
4. Cook Together
5. Lay Together (without sex, more of a cuddling)
6. Watch Movies Together
7. Eat meals together
8. Go Fishing Together
9. Go Camping Together
10. Explore new places together
11. Read Together
12. Read the Bible Together
13. Pray Together
14. Dance Together
15. Garden Together
16. Budget Together
17. Go Shopping Together
18. Create a Meal Plan Together
So in the original list there was only 16 things, but now I have extended it to 18. I really hope that I can stick to this list. each and everyday, I am going to focus on doing at least 1 thing with Travis. I am not going to tell him, what my overall plan with this is, I am hoping that God will intervene, and help me along with my plan. I am hoping to create that intimate relationship that we need to create to have an awesome and workable marriage life.. I know that for Travis at this point, he is just learning to trust me, and to be intimate with someone else. So I will give him sometime to adjust.. Since there are 18 items on this list, I am going to go with this plan for at least 2 months.. So for 2 months, each and everyday, we are going to be doing 1 or more of the things on the list.. :D I hope that God is with me, and this plan, so that He can help it to work. :D
I think that another thing that I need to work on, is my sexual addiction.. For some reason its strongly in my head that we can't have an awesome marriage without sex. I tend to disagree. We started out as friends, and later ended up getting married, so with that I think that Mary Jo was correct in that thought that we need to go back to being friends.. Without Sex.. So I am going to work on, staying away from anything sexual. Whether it be porn, or movies, or music, or anything in that manner.. I'm going to stay away from it completely. If Travis initiates it, then thats fine!! However, I am going to stop pushing him for sex all the time, and wait for him to be ready to initiate a more intimate relationship with me. I am thinking that this problem stems from my dad making those comments about my mom refusing to be intimate with him. He made it sound like without having sex, you can't have any type of relationship, so I am going to be fighting not only satan in this matter, but my inner instincts that I have inherited as part of a family curse as well. :-s
Another thing that I wanted to address here, was my friends. Aingel, is a big part of that. I have been trying desperately to help her see the truth, however she is so blinded by her truth that she refuses to listen to what is going on around her. For instance she is swearing to marry Mike, however, he isn't working, and is filing for disability, now although that isn't always bad, neither one of them are making changes to change their lives for the better, instead they just continue to make excuse after excuse about why they can or can't do this or that.. Isn't that terrible? Instead of allowing themselves to be led into a much better life, they are refusing to move, and are refusing to hear the truth!!! I really do fear for Aingel, and have always hoped that by her seeing how much I have changed, and by hanging out with her, that my influence would change her lifestyle, maybe just by a little bit, however I fear that will never happen for her.. I do hope that God will intervene, and will force them both into change... I really do... :D
I have really changed a lot, from the old me, to the new me. I really have, however, I have clinged on to my old icky past, and have pretty much refused to move forward with my life, and my growth. I need to stop doing this, and I need to willingly grab a hold of the opportunity that God is giving me, and continue to grow, and mature.. Especially with this job at Kmart.. This is a great opportunity!! God gave me the job that I prayed and begged for. I believe that God wouldn't have given me this job, if I weren't ready for it. So from now on, instead of dreading this job, I am going to embrace it, as a chance to better our lives. I am hoping that I won't lose too many of my benefits, and that we will still be just as financially secure, as we are now.. I know that I can do this job, after all, its all a matter of prespective right? So If I go into this job, as a challenge and welcomed event, then I will stay there longer, and can finally prove myself to Kmart, that they made the right choice by hiring me :D :D!!
So starting today, no more of trying to find excuses to not go in, instead I am going to prepare for the fight, and am going to go to work each and everyday, and do my job. I am going to do the best that I can, and am going to work my hardest!! I really am!! If that means, that I am tired, and annoyed, then so be it.. All I have to remember is that God, commands us to work 6 days a week.. We are to rest on the 7th day!! I am so excited that I found the 7 commandments!! I really am!! :D
Well I have to go, and get ready for work.. I am working 3:30 to 9:00 tonight.. So with that said, here is to another challenging day.. :D
"Sweet Father, I Thank You, for this job, and this opportunity to grow and mature, as You would want me too. I Thank you for this day, and for all the blessings that you've given us. I thank YOU for the chance that we have each and everyday, to repent, and to change as YOU would command us too. Father, I ask that you please bless my husband, give him strength and wisdom towards his future, help him to decide what he wants to do, to help us live, as YOU would want us to live. Father, I ask that you please bless my mom, and her boyfriend, allow them to have structure and blessings, and please give them an obvious opportunity to not only grow, but to mature in YOU, and to know and finally realize that YOU are with them, and that YOU have been waiting for them this entire time. Father I ask that you please bless Jocely and Gabby, and Amy and her husband Mike. Please push your way into Jocelyn's mind and heart, and allow her to know that I am of no threat to her, allow her to know the truth as YOU can only show to us. Please Allow Amy to grow and mature in your word.. Father I ask that you please bless us, in these comming months, allow us to have security so that we may pay all of our past bills.. Father once again I thank you for this opportunity to grow, and to mature, as a woman of Christ.. I love you Father.. In Jesus' Name Amen"
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